She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
