the day after is always just damage control
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
