Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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