thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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