I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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