Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
