Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
