im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize