I think I won the penis lottery.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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