Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
there is puke in my bra ... again
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