your parents love me but you hate me
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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