I can text with my tongue
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
