I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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