turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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