dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize