If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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