It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Best friends brother. Beat that.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
