At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
