thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
