): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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