It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
