Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
