i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
