Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
