the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
