for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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