be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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