I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
