you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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