then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
