i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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