I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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