She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
