i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
ok first of all what the fuck
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
