She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize