we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize