She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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