I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
