I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
