Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
