We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
