Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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