Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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