I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
