i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
