I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
