I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
