I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I'm really busy with my period
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