life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
