the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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