Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
