I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
