Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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