our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
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