franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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