Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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