you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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