It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize