I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Are we still banned from the library?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
