I just cut my nipple shaving
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
