I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
